The things couples ask before they ring

More common than you might think, and not a reason to give up. Reluctance is usually anxiety about the process rather than about the relationship. What will be said. What will be uncovered. Whether it is safe. Often the reluctant partner is not against the idea of help, they are against being brought somewhere to be told what is wrong with them.

Ring me anyway. The free 30-minute call, with no obligation to book anything, is usually enough to answer the questions creating the hesitation. And it is worth saying plainly: I am not going to gang up on anyone. Both of you get an advocate in me, because the relationship is what I am working for.

No. My job is to understand both of your experiences and to help each of you understand the other, not to decide who is right. Couples work that takes sides is not couples work.

I will not rule on who started it, who is being more reasonable, or whose version of Tuesday is correct. That question feels urgent to both of you and answering it has never once helped a couple. What I will do is describe the pattern you are both caught in, which tends to be uncomfortable in a shared way rather than a one sided way. That is usually where things start to move.

Both, and that is deliberate. Where I see each of you individually, it is so each partner has genuine space to speak freely without managing the other person's reaction.

But no secrets are held that undermine the relationship. Every part of the work, including the individual sessions, serves the partnership. The relationship is my client.

Because effective couples counselling depends on genuine neutrality, and that neutrality cannot survive once a counsellor has become one partner's individual therapist. So if the relationship ends, I will not work individually with either of you, in this practice or any other, and I will not support either of you within a future relationship.

This is not a withdrawal of support. It is what makes the support trustworthy while the work is happening. When both of you know I hold no alliance with either individual and no stake in any particular outcome, the work has a different quality. That is what this protects.

Ninety minutes, both of you. I will ask what brought you, and I will ask each of you separately. You may have quite different answers, and that is useful information rather than a problem.

Then we look at how the difficulty plays out. What happens, in what order, and what each of you does when the other does their thing. By the end I can usually describe your cycle back to you. Most couples find that unexpectedly relieving. It is the first time the problem has been outside the two of you and in the middle of the room.

Because the extra time is where the work happens. An hour was designed for one person. By the time you have both said what happened, the hour has gone, and couples end up paying to have the same argument in a nicer room.

Ninety minutes lets the session move past the surface of a problem and into the pattern underneath it. Nothing gets rushed, and nothing important gets cut short.

I cannot tell you honestly at the outset, and I would be wary of anyone who could. Some couples do what they came for in six sessions. Some work for a year. A rough guide: if you have come with one specific stuck thing it is often shorter, and if the pattern has been running for a decade it usually takes longer to shift.

You will have a much better sense after the first session. And because you book as you go, you are never committed further than the next one.

£135 for a 90-minute session, usually fortnightly. You book as you go. There is no package requirement and no minimum number of sessions.

If you would rather begin with a defined structure, the Foundation Package is £495 for four 90-minute sessions. Two together, and one with each of you individually. It is optional, and most couples do not take it.

The first 30-minute call is free.

Yes. In person in Clifton, close to the city centre. A comfortable, private consulting room, nothing clinical about it. Directions and parking details are sent when we book.

Yes. I work with couples in Stroud alongside the Bristol and online practice, so if you are based in Gloucestershire I can see you locally. There is accessible parking, and evening appointments are available, which matters when two people have to get there after work.

Yes, and for many couples it is the more practical option. Online sessions follow the same 90-minute structure over secure video, and are available anywhere in the UK. The quality of the work is the same.

For some couples it is actually better. You are both in your own home, and nobody has to drive back from a session in silence.

Yes, with the usual professional limits. I would have to break confidentiality if there were a serious risk to someone's safety, or where the law requires it, and I would always try to tell you first.

One thing specific to couples work: I do not keep secrets between you. If something significant comes up when I see one of you alone, I will help you bring it into the joint work. Holding a secret for one partner would make me useless to both of you.

I am BACP Accredited and work within their ethical framework, and I have regular clinical supervision, where cases are discussed anonymously.

No, and this is more common than people assume. Couples counselling is not only for staying together. Sometimes the work is deciding, properly, with both of you actually present for the conversation rather than guessing at each other.

And if you do separate, doing it with some understanding of what happened tends to make the aftermath survivable, particularly where children are involved.

Then you are in one of the most common reasons couples come to me, and one of the most workable, though rarely quickly. The early work is usually about steadying things enough to think, because immediately afterwards most couples are too flooded to do anything but repeat the same three conversations.

I will not push you towards staying or leaving. That decision is yours, and it is often far too early to make it.

Yes. I am a BACP Accredited counsellor and psychotherapist with over fifteen years of clinical experience, including specialist training in couples work. I am also a clinical supervisor, including for the University of Bristol.

Accreditation means meeting rigorous standards for training, practice and ongoing professional development. It is worth checking for, whoever you end up seeing.

Not at Bristol Relationships. This practice is couples only.

For individual counselling or clinical supervision, please see my separate practice, LBW Counselling, at lbwcounselling.co.uk.

The limit above still applies. If I have worked with you as a couple, I will not then work with either of you individually anywhere, including there.

Give me at least 48 hours notice and there is no charge. Inside 48 hours the session is payable, because the slot is held for you and cannot realistically be filled at short notice. If something genuinely unavoidable happens, talk to me. I am a person about it.

Use the contact form, or just email or ring me, and we will arrange a brief initial call. Either of you can make the first contact.

That call is not an assessment. It is a chance to ask questions and get a sense of whether this feels like the right fit, before committing to anything at all.